I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
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“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
My love language is deader than Latin
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time