Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
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I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides