If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
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The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks