Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
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mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs