ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
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I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄