Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
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so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
#Caturday
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.