You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
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Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.