[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
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Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no