[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
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*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
meanwhile over on facebook
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
asking santa clause for nudes
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.