when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
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He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.