All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
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Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.