dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
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daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Dolls on drugs
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.