I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
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“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
sleeping beauty
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one