My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
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Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
We’ve all been there…
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU