WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
You Might Also Like
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
🙁
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you