Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
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[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Spell check is for lasers.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit