Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
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“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”