My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
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Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court