I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
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This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look