Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
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Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in