“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
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I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.