My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
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I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky