“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
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So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.