[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
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Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Pringles
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
that de-escalated quickly
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.