*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
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*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.