Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
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me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…