me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
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In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.