I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
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Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.