“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
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Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Holy shit he’s back
S/o to @funTweeters .
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history