Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
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Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow