“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
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As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Breaking news:
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place