Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
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I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Imma just leave this here…………
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad