Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
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Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.