Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Jail
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
absolute chaos