Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
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Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
My work here is don’t.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
what does he know…
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick