“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
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Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
inventing words: clothing
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together