If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
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Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
lol
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process