OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
You Might Also Like
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
ready to be harvested
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*