*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
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I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.