[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
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A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.