In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
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It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.