professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
You Might Also Like
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I did not eat the cake…
Did…did a minotaur write this
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.