Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
You Might Also Like
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Mechanic: What鈥檚 the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn鈥檛 that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I鈥檓 good with the old oil.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn鈥檛 it obvious?
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can鈥檛 see him
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I asked which vaccine she got馃拃馃拃馃拃
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn鈥檛 hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it鈥檚 just a duck
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You鈥檙e the Cub Scout leader! It鈥檚 your responsibility to find those children!
Russian roulette, except it鈥檚 me sneezing three times in a row while driving
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”