omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
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If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.