cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
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My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground