Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
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[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
any last words?
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.