The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
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Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
My dad teaching me to drive
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine