Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
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Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman