Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
You Might Also Like
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Monica just destroyed the internet
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.