For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
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My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks